Protest Hotline 

 
Scene: It's 2023, the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill has slipped through the past year due to the most of the media mass focusing on smaller, often public anger inducing, distracting political events. 

We are about to become a fly on the wall in a conversation regarding the booking of a 'legal protest' via a specially set up government hotline...

Automated voice: ...may be used and recorded for training purposes...

*click*

Caller: Hello? Is that Protest Authorisation Services?

PAS: Yes, this is the PAS department, how may I help you.

Caller: I’ve been told to contact you regarding a legal protest.

PAS: Ah, yes. A legal protest.

Caller: Yes.

PAS: And, what date do you plan to act this protest?

Caller: A few months down the line. I haven’t spoken to everyone about it yet.

PAS: Would you like to book in advance?

Caller: I’m sorry?…book?

PAS: Ever since the new regulations came out we can’t have people RANDOMLY having protests outside parliament or corporations disturbing the peace. You need to BOOK the protest in advance.

Caller: Oh yes, of course.

PAS: In that case I’ll have to send you to the booking department.

Automated voice: Please hold.
*Rule Britannia plays*

Automated voice: Please hold.

Automated voice: Hello. You have reached the PROTEST AUTHORISATION SERVICES BOOKING and CHECKING SERVICE. Press 1 if you are you wish to report an illegal protest in process, Press 2 if you have information about the whereabouts leaders of potential unauthorised factions, Press 3 if you would like to book a legal protest.

*dial tone for 3*

Caller: Ugh.

*Rule Britannia plays*
Automated voice: Please hold.

PAS: Hello, this is the PAS department, how may I help you?

Caller: Wait, aren’t you the same voice as before?

PAS: What would make you think that?

Caller: You sounds exactly the same.

PAS: Ridiculous. This is the PAS Booking department. Anyway, you were saying you would like to book a legal protest?

Caller: I did press 3 yes.

PAS: Are you sure you didn’t mean to press 1 or 2? We get that a lot.

Caller: No, I purposely pressed 3 to book a protest.

PAS: Are you sure?

Caller: Yes, very sure.

PAS: And on what subject would you like to protest?

Caller: Human Rights.

PAS: And more than one persons?

Caller: Of course more than one person! I’m not going to protest by myself!

PAS: Just checking. Right. So we’ve got a legal protest about the subjects of human rights. I’ll just pass you down the line to authorise this.

*Rule Britannia plays*

Automated voice: You have chose to book a LEGAL PROTEST on the SUBJECT OF…HU...MAN…RIGHTS. Is this correct?

Caller: Yes.

Automated Voice: Press 1 for no, 2 for cancel, or 3 for yes.
*tone of 3*

Caller: Ugh.

PAS: This is the PAS department, how may I help you?

Caller: I would like to continue my application for a legal protest on the subject of human rights we were just talking about.

PAS: You must be mistaking me for someone else, what month in the year sir?

Caller: September.

PAS: And, what day do you prefer?

Caller: Monday

PAS: And, how many hours?

Caller: I don’t know, about 4-6 hours.

PAS: Okay, I’m just looking for at bookings now…

*Rule Britannia music plays*

PAS: Location sir?

Caller: Outside houses of P…

PAS: Would you like to book an indoor venue or an outdoor venue?

Caller: An outdoor venue of course! Preferably. The Houses of P…

PAS: Residential, roadside or countryside?

Caller: How on earth would protesting in the countryside even…

PAS: Okay, so…countryside.

Caller: No. Not the countryside!!! Residential!

PAS: Calm down Sir! Just looking up details now…

*rule britania plays*

PAS: Park, town centre or car park?

Caller: Ugh, Town centre, I suppose.

PAS: And what time? Morning, afternoon or Evening?

Caller: Around dinnertime? I don’t know.

PAS: Due to choosing 12am-2pm, Do you agree to the non usage of loudspeakers or any voice projection devices?

Caller: I…don’t…

PAS: You see, we’re trying not to cause any noise pollution for the CEOs, council workers or MPs at break-times.

Caller: Can I shout?

PAS: Only quietly. Will you be holding signs?

Caller: Yes, because I apparently, cannot shout.

PAS: And you agree to all signs being spellchecked and edited before entering the venue?

Caller: No, I do NOT!

PAS: Would you like to submit your slogans for checking and censor clearing now instead? I have a pen and paper and we can maybe change some of the 'sensitive' subtext speeding up the censoring process. 

Caller: I would not!

PAS: I’m sorry, you are being terribly hard to work with, I’ll have to pass you down the line.

*Rule Britannia plays*
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have chose to book a LEGAL PROTEST on the SUBJECT OF…HU...MAN…RIGHTS. Is this correct?

Caller: Argh! Yes!

PAS: This is the PAS department, how may I help you? Do you have a case number?

Caller: No .You never gave me one before you put me on hold!

PAS: You must be mistaking me for someone else, you need a case number to continue with your legal protest application. May I have your name and address?

*Caller angrily hangs up*

Everything is Okay Parade sketch

 Scene: A loud parade big band fanfare and people cheering plays at the background, two hosts are exchanging dialogue with each other much like a Macy's float parade in America.

Host 1: Hello and welcome to our bi-monthly, Everything Is Okay Day parade!

Host 2: Just to tell you out there that everything is perfectly fine! As sponsored by (serious voice) the States.

 

Authoritive Advert Voice: "The States. OK means, Organised and Knowhow. We know what you're doing so you don't have to."

Host 1: A free parade to qualm those nasty rumours that everything isn't okay. Bought to you by the Tip Top foundation, as sponsored and wholly funded by the wonderful people at; The States.

Host 2: Wwww-wait, I'll have to interrupt there as I can see the President Minister coming down the road.

Host 1: ...And there they are, the President Minister, doing the countries duty, waving to all the public, children and families inside their quad-wheeled perspex booth.

 

Host 2: Yes. they've got quite a PP today, haven't they?

Host 1: Oh yes indeed.

Host 2: Today's Perspex Pusher is the lucky, lucky, Kevin from Glastonbury. Who has recently taken on the duty from his father who pushed the perspex box for the entireity of 2, whole, years! 

 Host 1: Wow. 2 years, what a incredible undertaking. Doing this parade every, 2, months. That has to be a record.

 

Host 2: Unfortuntely his father passed away one day of heat stroke in the middle of November bought on by a repeated cough which severly detererated his heath over the next two weeks and decided to travel the world in his last days.

Host 1: May I add, very kindly funded by The State's Pension scheme.

 Host 2: And that is exactly why Kevin today is modelling the latest beerhat from the Tip Top foundation. Lessons have been learnt. Nobody will be passing out of heat stroke and choking on the ground this year.

Host 1: It's so sad when they deploy the hi-viz tent isn't it?

Host 2: Oh yes. But the children love it. That florescent tent, so...neon! Especially in the dark.

Host 1: Yes, it is an awful shame that they had to stop doing these at nights. The glow sticks and the illuminated floats really added something to that hi-viz tent.

Host 2: And all the people dressed in the hi-viz suits too, giving free steamed showers to everyone with the water canisters on their back, so nice on those hot, hot days.

 Host 1: It was hard to see the previous President Minister, in the dark though wasn't it? The bulb kept going out and it took about an hour to replace it. I mean, with this glorious sunshine you can even see a kind of beautiful rainbow across the perspex and the current President Minister's face.

Host 2: Absolutely fantastic for the children. You can just make out that spectrum next to the sponsored Pepsi, 7up and McDonald decals on the box above and below the PMs head and feet.

Host 1: Sometimes you can't help but wonder, are they waving in that box? or are they just trying to repeatedly block out the sun from their eyes?

Host 2: Ahaha, careful now, joking aside...just behind the President Minister is the cabinet, the people that really keep this country on it's feet. You can just about see the health minister through his tinted windows of the limosine just leading all the minister's designated limosines.

 

Host 1: Wait, wait, wait. I will have to stop you there. The President Minister is about to speak.

Loudspeaker: EVERYTHING IS OKAY. LIVE AGAIN ANOTHER DAY. TOMORROW IS ANOTHER GREAT DAY TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY. IT'S ALL GOOD. EVERYTHING IS TIP TOP.

Host 1: The power and certainty in that voice. It's truely unbelievable that the PM said that without even moving their mouth.

Host 2: A impressive achivement indeed.

Host 1: They just sound so damn sure of theirselves, don't they?

Host 2: And that's exactly why we were told they should be the next President Minister, the press had it so right. It's truely amazing how accurate journalism and criticism can be these days since Tip Top News corperation took it over.

Host 1: They're exactly the leader we need right now. Just look at them cradling that baby through the newly installed for this year, external glove box system!

Host 2: Cheek pushed right at near as possible to the perpex. What an honor. To leave a mark on that box at such a very early age. 

Host 1: Very cheeky. Maybe another twenty years you can be like Kevin, touching that glorious booth once more.

Host 2: What a little sprite that Kevin is. He's doing so well right now. He must had easily pushed the booth two miles now.

 Host 1: So... we have been asked why the PM insists on having no physical contact with the general public, using their own decontamination glove system built into the booth. Some of you may believe it's fear of touching the public. But it is in fact, exactly the opposite way.

Host 2: How so?

Host 1:We have exclusive details that the PM has a very dangerous skin condition. They can't touch any type of skin without coming out in blisters and rashes.

Host 2: Now, some people, such as conspiracy theorists and people with tin foil hats have pointed out that the PM, obviously has skin.

Host 1: And that is exactly why they are wearing clothes inside the booth. To stop the friction of the skin.

Host 2: And what an excellent PVC combination of vest, mini-dress and bow tie it is.

Host 1: Purple is in this year too. It's very much the thing. Very regal.

Hosty 2: There you go folks, it's all part of fashion, even the helmet. Time to take those tin foil hats off.

Host 1: And just passing by now is the float dedicated to the late Sir David Icke. Who was posthmously knighted for his contributions to society which were tragically cut short way back in the 2020's when he passed away of hayfever during one of his many rallies.

 Host 2: When you think about it, it is very ironic that his float is covered in flowers, the very thing that killed him.

Host 1: It's symbolic, isn't it? You don't know until it's too late. 

Host 2: Pollen. The silent killer.

 

-CREEPY SPOOKY/TRIBAL MUSIC-.

Host 1: Uh, oh...

Host 2: The children are booing...

Host 1: They love it really.

Host 2: It's the gang you love to hate...

Host 1: It's the Pandemic Parade!

Host 2: Yes, the pandemic parade. Now these are the squares which ruin everyone's fun by forcing them to go home early and wear face coverings.

Host 1: Those face coverings are very unnerving. You can't even see who they are. Just piercing eyes of menace.

Host 2: That's the idea. Anybody could be part of the pandemic parade. Because the masks block out the states facial recognition, it's up to you to report anyone suspicious spreading rumours about a so called 'past pandemic' and passing out masks and gloves.

Host 1: And that's exactly what they are doing now. As they creep side to side like crabs 2 meters apart, throwing plastic gloves, visors and linen masks to the public. A metaphor for the lies they spread over the unwitting public.

Host 2: They are so creepy the way they walk, side to side, but purposely avoiding each other.

Host 1: It's like watching a game of Space Invaders.

Host 2: And just look at it. Like confetti. There are plastic gloves everywhere. A true trail of destruction of where they've been.

Host 1: And look, the children behind the gates are trying on the masks and trading them for other designs.

Host 2: Plastic and linen everywhere. Polluting the streets with tell tales and non-recyclable plastic.

Host 1: They are obviously the bad guys. It couldn't be any clearer. 

Host 2: The States even make a point of it, by using tax payers money for this wasteful, wreckless abandon of filth across our streets.

Host 1: You know, when you see all these masks on the floor, it just hits me, do they actually have any kind of practical use to you?

Host 2: It sounds a bit silly. But you know, the bit where your ears are supposed to go through?

Host 1: Yeah?

Host 2: Well, you see, I've got two dogs and they make the most AMAZING, washable doggy bags. Just hold them by the loops and fold them in around the business. Just throw them in the washer after using and good as new!

Host 1: Well. That's the Pandemic Parade gone, run out of things and ideas to randomly throw out to people.  Now remember to start preparing to make your Pandemic Parade Person ready for the 5th of November. The best one wins a prize from the Tip Top foundation.

Host 2: Obviously, before they get set alight. We judge before they're inserted in the wicker, so don't be sending pictures of them alight like some did last year.

Host 1: Oh, oh. Look at this. This is the kind of thing we've been waiting for, why the crowds are truely here.

Host 2: Kevin, has, hit, a, curb.

Host 1: Now, because nobody else can touch the booth, due to governing law and tradition. Nobody can help Kevin.

Host 2: Now, because the pandemic parade have gone, people are beginning to turn on the Perpex Pusher as the new villian of this story.

Host 1: You can hear those boo's from the crowd from here.

Host 2: Come on Kevin!

Crowd: (Kevin you're a loser!)

Host 1: You can do it!

Crowd: (Booo, kevin you suck!)

Host 2: Hurry up Kevin! Just a little to the left! A bit to the r...

Host 1: ...Oh no. Kevin has done it now. Much like the previous PM, the whole perpex booth has toppled over onto the path.

Host 2: You can hear that almighty thud from here.

Host 1: I'm not sure, but there appears to be a bit of a panic for the PM. There seems to be a rather long scratchmark on the side of the booth.

Host 2: But our President Minister is fine. Perfectly active waving their arms and legs all over the place for proof.

Host 1: Kevin's just been detained by the people in black, I'm sure we'll hear the date of his trial soon, as soon as we get it, you'll know too.

Host 2: I'm sure the Tip Top betting offices will be going wild tonight on the odds of the punishment. With a case like this, there's a very high chance of it being terminal. So there could be a good primetime show tonight.

Host 1: it's not all bad, here comes the helicopter ready to drop the hi-viz tent, a first this time, right over the Pres...(crackles out.)

The New Normal

 Everyone's saying it, it's catchy too. 'The New Normal'. If you've been asleep under a heavily santised rock for the past few months, you probably have no idea that there's a pandemic around and we are slowly falling into a science fiction-like dystopia.
 
Last year I had an identity crisis and became a lot more open to socialising and more open minded than ever before, complete confident in the beautiful conflicted mess I was, or should be. This post 'Covid-Material World' compresses and changes who we are, or should be. So many people have been in isolation since about March or so. While a world without physical contact and social interaction should be heavenly and perfect for an newly discovered introverted, possibly non-binary, asexual...It isn't, all the growth that I have achieved and experienced in the last year has been ripped away from me. Doors have been closed. Opportunities are scarce. Coincidences and the chances or synchronicity have been greatly lowered because simply, we aren't meeting new people to broaden our ideas and horizons anymore. We sit inside our bubbles of politics, gender identities and 'pass the parcel' with anything that we feel everyone else should know, regardless of evidence. Meanwhile there's a lot going on, plainly in sight in the world that isn't a conspiracy theory which everybody is avoiding because of the lack of power an individual feels they have, but logically, those with too much money to even spend, could contribute to the further success and security of humanity as a whole, or should be made to.

What the pandemic has made me realise and a lot of other people is that a lot of our identity isn't just on the inside. A lot of it is on the outside, our choice of clothing, fashion, venues, expos and experiences we participate in. We are all being worn down the the same basics. We're just people. We're living, we just don't seem to have enough 'filler material' between the uninteresting parts of life and now, even the very idea of dating and love is an endangerment to all, if you're not already settled, the covid society puts a lot of spanners into the works on how you are supposed to find a soul mate. For a start, nobody can even show their soul, because they can't and don't really want to go anywhere.

Art is suffering, expression is suffering, because nobody can go anywhere to experience art or express theirselves. Because everything is slowly being cancelled, delayed until a completely indeterminable date or everything has to change and adapt by putting the size of an average obese American between seats of cinemas and theatres.

Now that we in a glorious time that toilet rolls and hand sanitiser run free, masks are part of fashion and expression. This is the new normal we live in. Ironically, now there's a world where the introverts can take over, the work at homers, the animators, the game programmers, the artists. the graphic designers. The extrovert entertainer is all but gone, the comedian can't heckle their audience, because there's less of one. The sportsman has to play in near silence whilst 'cheers' are dubbed over the television broadcast, that adrenaline rush of excitement must nearly all but gone and feel like a training session. Actors have to shout out their lines from across the stage and avoid sharing props or touching surfaces.

Entertainment is combination of a library of the past through streaming services and repeats of shows which constantly have to remind us how life used to be and may never be like again. Animation and the videogame industry is probably the two biggest types of entertainments which are going to grow, because of the lack of physical interaction needed to make both and once again, we, the audience can watch or play them at home but still share the experience in conversation that we enjoyed something together, apart.

What do I do? I have the perfect circumstances to get on top in this brave new world. I'm introverted, asexual, but need companionship, I'm better at scripting and drawing behind the scenes than being in the forefront.  The world is our very limited oyster.

Court of Fools Script

I'm opening up this blog again because I don't know where else to host this for people to see if they choose to. A few people know I attended a short scriptwriting course to see if I was as good as writing comedy scripts as I thought I was after Uni.

All I said is that I wrote a short sketch/play about dyslexia, dyspraxia and dyscalculia set in a hypothetical courtcase that's as ludicrous as a Monty Python sketch. This is the third draft and the performed version was altered, edited for actors with some excellent suggestions and line changes, for a readthrough. This version is all my writing about two subjects I feel very strongly about, one; Dyslexia and it's spectrum, two: Comedy. It's not long, it's not really a play, but it stretches to about 10-15 minutes of direct character dialogue and it's quite personal.

I'll try to put up the final script for the actors that was passed on by the teacher/stage director up some other time, as I don't know how to insert a viewable PDF into a simple blogger post.  But for anyone who wants to read what I worked on and challenged myself to in brilliant workshops with hugely creative people I thought I could barely keep up with, here it is.

The Court of Fools...?

By  Martyn Eker

Scene: A jury case in a courtroom with a judge, defendant’s lawyer and opposing lawyer. The jury are unseen and only referred to. Four characters are on stage.

A moment of silence occurs as everything comes to a standstill as the judge walks to the podium.

Judge: The court is in session. All rise.

The judge sips from a glass of water. The defendant seems to clumsily trip into place as their lawyer keeps their balance.

Judge: We are all here today, the court AND the jury, to ultimately decide if the defendant is...
(Pause) ...stupid or not stupid.

Defendant: Not stupid, Sir.

Defendant’s Lawyer: My client proclaims not stupid!

Defendant: (Mutters) I just said that!

Judge: The defendant has claimed they are ‘not stupid’(speaking to defendant) We have noticed that you seem to have difficulty grasping simple concepts that most, would, shall we say, find...unchallenging. In a matter of a fact, this very case was adjourned last time, because of your failure to turn up.

Opposing lawyer: To not even bother turning up to your courtcase is careless, but stupid beyond all reason.

Defendants Lawyer: My client was unable to attend due to personal reasons.

Judge: When we contacted you, you claimed to be in…Glasgow?

Defendant Lawyer: That is correct, my client was in Scotland…for family reasons.

Defendant: Actually, I have no family in…

Defendants Lawyer: …Shh!

Judge: But this court is in London! Exactly the other side of Britain!

Opposing lawyer: What kind of idiot manages to end up in Glasgow when this court is exactly the opposite direction? How do you even explain that, I ask of you?

Defendant: I was late for my original train, it, it, just threw me right out for the day.

Defendants Lawyer: What my client means, is that they had to systematically plan out a new navigation route. The GPS led them the wrong way. As you’ve heard those stories about people driving into lakes when they should be in villages. I’m sure this has happened to all of us once. 

Defendant: Umm, actually, my bus was late. So that’s not my fault.

Defendants Lawyer: The…BUSES…GPS system must had been incorrect due to realignments of the planets blocking…the…signal, perhaps Mars was in the way. You hear of this all the time the misplacement of Mars, and being in the constellation of Gemini or Aquarius. These things happen. I’m sure it mus have some side effect, such as public transportation being late.

Defendant: What?!? That’s complete nonsense! Can I get another lawyer or something? Is this like when you get a goofy substitute teacher!

Opposing lawyer: Listen to them! Not only were they carelessly late, but they failed to turn up to their own court case, because their client was enjoying theirselves in the pub in Glasgow!

Defendant: I got lost! my phone was low on power, because I stupidly forgot to charge it, so I couldn’t tell the time with my digital clock and I couldn’t use the app I’m used to planning train routes with. A nice gentlemen pointed me to a train and there I was on a non-stop train to Glasgow! I should had planned better. I have to plan things so much more for journeys like this, it’s not just as simple as booking a train and getting on a station for me, the changes are confusing and…

Opposing Lawyer: Wait, you couldn’t tell the time, because your mobile was low in power, ALL DAY? What about all the massive, huge clocks conveniently in train stations for that EXACT purpose? Using your head and actually taking some responsibility and TALKING to normal people and asking them their time on THEIR watches, a quick glance of their wrist and this wouldn’t be an issue!

Defendant: I can’t tell the time on a normal, analogue clock face. Can’t read them, they just read like mystical runes. Like some kind of code you need to figure out. Most people just show their watch and expect you to know the time on it. Asking what it says is awkward and embarrassing, because to that person, it seems like you weren’t paying attention the first time.

Judge: We’ll move onto the next case in point. Please bring forward, Exhibit A. Dudley, if you please?

A member of the court (Dudley) slowly walks down carrying a plastic Scrabble piece board as if it was some kind of royal importance showing it to all sides or the jury simultaneously looking smug heading towards the defendant.

Defendant: What is this?

Judge: The…OTHER part of exhibit A, please, Dudley?

The member of the court quickly runs back with a small tied green sack in the palm of his hand.

Judge: These are Scrabble letters.

Defendant’s Lawyer: My client is not here to play games, besides. There seems to be a lack of a board. This game is incomplete. It simply cannot be used against him. It’s like playing Monopoly without the little hat your cousin can fit up their nose and the iron nobody really ever wants, because everyone hates ironing. But I ask you, we ALL want the little shiny dog, don’t we? My client is that little misunderstood shiny dog. Woof woof, good boy!

Defendant: I AM NOT a shiny dog. What on Earth are you even talking abo…

Opposing lawyer: OH, MY, GOD, GET ON WITH IT!

Defendants Lawyer: (directed at Opposing Lawyer)  I bet you were the old boot!

Opposing Lawyer: I’m more of a cat person (does cat scowl with hand)

Judge: Please be quiet, We’re going to use proven scientific and psychological methods to put something to the test. With these letter tiles.

Defendants Lawyer: GHERKINS!

Judge: What is this?

Defendant: I do NOT know this man. This is the FIRST time I have ever had him by my side…

Defendants Lawyer: It’s a small pickle, made from an immature cucumber. It’s a 180 pointer if placed correctly!

Opposing Lawyer: YOU’RE an immature cucumber…

The judge pulls out a top hat from behind his podium.

 Judge: We’re not actually going to play Scrabble at that would be silly and incredibly time consuming. It’s more about using the letters as a visual aid for spelling. A independent adjudicator is going to pick a word from this hat. Dudley, if you may?

Dudley walks up to the jury (a member of the audience, breaking the Fourth wall) and they pick a word from the hat. (there is only one word in the hat for theatrical reasons).
Dudley wanders back up and passes the word to the Judge.

Dudley: Y-Y-Your sire…

The judge is passed the word from the hat on a bit of paper and checks the top hat.

Judge: Dudley, why did you only put one word in the hat, there’s plenty of space for more…

Dudley: (with arms out wide) Well, it’s quite a big word. I didn’t think we needed any more…

Judge: Dudley. What did we say about taking words and phrases too literally?

Dudley: I didn’t. You did. You took the word. I just gave it to you. Would you prefer it if I took the word back? (leans over)

Judge: No, that’ll do Dudley, that’ll do.

Dudley stands in silence.

Judge: Could you…perhaps move Dudley?

Dudley moves a few steps to the right.

Judge: Dudley! Just leave, vacate the area! go for a break! I’ll call you IF you’re needed again!

Dudley walks offstage.

Judge: The word is, by coincidence and not at all for theatrical reasons…’Jurisdiction’. Please spell this with the pieces provided without assistance.

The defendant attempts to spell the word with Scrabble tiles to the Countdown gameshow tune.  

Judge: Please reveal your spelling.

The defendant turns the scrabble piece holder around

Judge: Riggghht. You have spelt ‘Jurys’ as in the plural or jury and, oh my, I didn’t expect that word to come up in the middle. Jurisdiction has no K in it. I didn’t expect that word to pop up and reveal itself. That word has no place in this court!

The opposing lawyer stands up folder under arm.

Opposing Lawyer: This person is clearly stupid. They seem incapable of spelling a simple word in front of the public and has resulted in signposting immature words for all the jury to see! There is no way that this person cannot pass as not-stupid. Because not being able to spell is a very thick thing indeed and these visual aids? Pah! This person should be capable of spelling the word aloud in a spelling bee. This is a waste of time for everyone involved (facing jury) is it not?

Defendant’s Lawyer: Objection!

Judge: Sustained...Go on...

Defendants Lawyer: In daily life, (turns to jury) do we spell aloud as a general everyday skill, in everyday conversation?
 No we don’t. We don’t need to.

Opposing Lawyer: That is ridiculous. Have you heard what this person is trying to say? This person is clearly telling us that spelling isn’t important, the most integral part of the English language and it’s just not important! What rubbish. Imagine reading books with the incorrect spellings! You wouldn’t be able to understand them! Littering literature! You might as well remove words!

Defendant: Can I… just…spe…

Defending lawyer: Picture books! Pop up books! Flashcards! Plenty of literature has no words! You don’t need words for books!

Judge: That is true.

Opposing Lawyer: Rubbish, total poppycock.

Judge: Language!

Defendant: Can… I… just…please…say…bring…up…someth…

Laywer: Jury, this person doesn’t even have an idea how to string a simple sentence together. I’m sure the majority of us, in the RIGHT mind can say this person is, stupid. His lawyer is like a translator. If it wasn’t for him, they’d be utterly incomprehensible!

Defendant: …OBJECTION!

Judge: This is interesting, an objection from the defendant? I’ll let this pass.

Defendants lawyer: You don’t have to say anyth….

Defendant: Okay, say you can’t spell a word.

Judge: ...Yes?

Defendant: Where do you look to find the spelling?

Opposing Lawyer: Oh, reaaaally. What a pre-posturous question. Obviously, a dictionary.

Defendant: How do you find it?

Opposing Lawyer: Alphabetical order. As if YOU would know anything about things in order. This case is all over the place, a total farce!

Defendant: But how do you look it up if you don’t know how it’s spelt?

Defendants lawyer: I believe my client is talking about phonetics, the way a word is pronounced…

Defendant: Yeah, phonetics, that’s the word, it was on the tip of my tongue.

Judge: I am aware of phonetics.

Defendant: Sometimes a word is spelt totally different than it sounds. There’s annoying things like the letter C, and the ocean, also a sea, see?

Judge: I see.

Defendants lawyer: What my client is trying to bring forward is the issue of say, for example the phonetics of the word such as ‘Psychology’ but how is the ‘Psy’ bit spelt?

Opposing Lawyer: Psychology is a word that really doesn’t come up that often. It’s a specialist field, you don’t talk about it everyday conversation...have you heard this jury? This person is playing psychological games! GAMES! Like a CHILD! A child defending a childlike mind! Ridiculous!

Judge: It’s spelt with the prefix ‘P...S...Y’ , as in PSY .Your point is, defendant?

Opposing Laywer: The defendant’s Lawyer is clearly bringing up a terrible choice of music artist and using is trademark ‘Gangham Style’ in order to distract and derail the court and jury. I myself have more class and would had chosen Madonna, whom would have you chosen? Only an idiot would choose Psy. Does the defendant wish to get his boombox and cassette out now? Dance like the fool that he is in front of the jury?

Defendant:  But phonetically and hypothetically....

Opposing Lawyer: Those are big words for you, do you know what they mean?

Defendant: Yes, I looked in a dictionary, which is what dictionaries are actually used for, looking up the definition of words. Not spellings.

Defendants Lawyer: That’s true. A dictionary is for looking up a definition and meaning of a word. But it sometimes does double up as a way to look up a spelling...if you know where to begin. My client is simply saying, they do not know when to begin.

Defendant: Yes! Exactly or a thesaurus which is for the opposite...

Opposing Lawyer: We’re talking big purple dinosaurs now! A thesaurus...is that in the new Jurassic World film? Starring your friend....Chris...(points at defendant) Pratt?

Judge: Sit down! A thesaurus is a book to look up alternate meanings for words or phrases, you fool! Not a dinosaur!
It may SOUND like a dinosaur, but it sure isn’t!

Defendant: Hey! Let me finish what I’m trying to say here. You’re really distracting with your trashy pop culture references!
Look, it’s possible, probable, that the word ‘psychology’ could be spelt with an ‘S’ and an ‘I’. Because it sounds phonetically like it, right? Or ‘Cy’ like the word ‘Cyber’ in Cyberman.

Judge: It isn’t. But that is true. I guess it could. But that doesn’t mean you can bring in pop culture references as you accuse the opposition of overusing them.

Defendant: I don’t. I only remember the spelling of the word ‘Cyber’ because I like Doctor Who and I see, ‘Cyberman’ as a name, opposed to a...thing...object...you know the word, it’s on the tip of my tongue.

Defendants Lawyer: I believe my client is referring to a noun. 

Defendant: So I take away the ‘man’ bit and I know that they’re robots, computers and voila! Cyber!

Judge: A noun. Yes, I see. So what you are proposing is that anybody after HEARING a word could spell it incorrectly because of the SOUND OF the word. It can be very confusing. Very clever. I can see how that works. Spelling aloud is skill, not a necessity and I can’t honestly say it’s proof of intelligence after that convincing argument.

The judge takes a small breath moving onto the next subject

Judge: It also says here you can’t work out simple math and addition. Don’t you know your times table?

Defendant: No. I can’t remember it, never been able to.

Opposing Lawyer: The defendant doesn’t know their times table! Imagine that! The pure ignorance to never pick up such a simple method, imagine all the hours those teachers wasted on you that could had been used for capable, competent pupils!

Defendant: It’s not like it’s table manners or something, you say it as if it’s MY fault that I can’t remember something that YOU expect me to! As if I’m a little boy with my elbows on the table. Times table may have the word Table in it, but it’s nothing to do with manners!

Defending Lawyer: You can’t complain expecting someone to know something if they don’t remember it in the first place.

Defendant: (turning to opposing lawyer) Okay, then, what’s your work mobile number if I ever wanted to hire you?

Lawyer: O7...uh, 07...I can never remember these things. Look, here’s a business card. IF YOU CAN READ IT.

Defendant: You can’t remember your mobile number can you?

Lawyer: No. It’s not like I need to!

Defendant: So what you are saying...right?...what you are saying...

Judge: What is he saying?

Defending Lawyer: …What are you saying?Maybe I should take it from he…

Defendant: What you are saying is...

Lawyer: WHAT?!?

Defendant: You can’t remember a bunch of numbers.

Defendants Laywer: I have reason to believe, in this context my client is referring to the term, ‘sequence’.

Defendant: Yes! That’s the word!

Lawyer: No. I cannot. What has this got to do with it?

Defendant: Well, nor can I. I can’t remember a sequence OF A sequence of numbers. So imagine having up to 12 individual mobile numbers of your own to be expected to, just INSTANTLY remember. That’s what it’s like.

Defending lawyer: To an outside observer, I guess that could be seen as nearly the same. Wouldn’t you say?

Defendant: Besides, knowing times tables isn’t even needed these days, calculators are everywhere. Even on the smartphone that you can’t remember your number for!

Defending Lawyer: (Leans over to Opposing Lawyer) Burrrrrrrrrrrnnn.

Opposing Lawyer: I have a simple test to prove your client is stupid.

Defending Lawyer: OBJECTION!

Judge: Overruled. Opposition, if you may.

Opposing Lawyer: Put your left hand up. Then your right hand.

Defendant puts hands up in wrong order.

Opposing Lawyer: AHA! You hesitated and got your left and right mixed up! Obviously a sign of idiocy if I’ve ever seen it.

Judge: You did. Why did you hesitate?

Defendant: I occasionally get them mixed up. I sometimes, get things back to front, the wrong way round.

Defending Lawyer: My client simply means, they occasionally get things in the wrong order. We all get a bit pressured sometimes…like this job.

Defendant: I need more time to think things through like that. I can get mixed up between what my head says and what my body says.

Opposing Lawyer: Listen to this lunatic. They say their body talks. Their body talks...hot air, more like.

Judge: ORDER! The defendant is explaining their selves. Order in the court! Have some respect!

Defendant: I had to think for a moment which was which, but I suddenly realised I was wrong first time.

Opposing Lawyer: Now, if the defendant was as clever as he claims to be, they would had recalled, this is my RIGHT hand I WRITE with, and this is the one LEFT...

The whole courtroom falls silent except for gasps.

Defendant: But...I’m left handed, so I write with my left hand.

The whole courtroom falls silent once more.

Opposing Lawyer: ...Oh. Right then.

The Opposing lawyer sits back down.

Defendants Lawyer: No, my client clearly moved their left arm, not the right.

Judge: Your client claims to have a condition called ‘dyslexia’ that creates all these mistakes and moments of absent mindedness.

Defendants Lawyer: Correct. With parts of dyscalculia and dyspraxia in the same mental disability spectrum. Which each causes issues with numeracy and loss of direction and body motor functions, such as the tripping at the beginning of this case, in part to the fact they struggle motor based tasks such as doing up their shoelaces properly.

Defendant: But I don’t let that define me! But at the same time I would be someone else if I didn’t have those things! I would think differently, I might be clearer and seem more confident but right now, you are arguing over ME! ME! My identity. This is who I am!

Opposing Lawyer: And how do you spell all THREE of those nonsensical words your lawyer probably just pulled out from where the sun doesn’t shine which you seemed to have gone along with?

Defendant: I don’t know. Look in a dictionary, you might UNDERSTAND the meaning too.

Defending Lawyer: Dooooubbble buuurn! Is it getting hot in here, or is it me? I think I need a glass of water.

Judge: Court adjourned. The jury will now decide independently if the defendant is a fool or not a fool.

The defending lawyer and the defendant are left on stage as everyone else walks off stage

Defending lawyer: You’re pretty good at this! I’m beginning to completely understand where you’re coming from. I think we’ve got this in the bag! Being in court, it’s as easy as riding a bike, isn’t it?

Defendant: Ha! Wouldn’t know, I can’t ride one!

Judge: (shouting offstage): Dudley!?! Have you been stood exactly here in the way all this time?!?

Both defendant and defending lawyer roll eyes