Saturday 15 January 2022

Protest Hotline

Scene: It's 2023, the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill has slipped through the past year due to the most of the media mass focusing on smaller, often public anger inducing, distracting political events.

We are about to become a fly on the wall in a conversation regarding the booking of a 'legal protest' via a specially set up government hotline...

Automated voice: ...may be used and recorded for training purposes...

*click*

Caller: Hello? Is that Protest Authorisation Services?

PAS: Yes, this is the PAS department, how may I help you.

Caller: I’ve been told to contact you regarding a legal protest.

PAS: Ah, yes. A legal protest.

Caller: Yes.

PAS: And, what date do you plan to act this protest?

Caller: A few months down the line. I haven’t spoken to everyone about it yet.

PAS: Would you like to book in advance?

Caller: I’m sorry?…book?

PAS: Ever since the new regulations came out we can’t have people RANDOMLY having protests outside parliament or corporations disturbing the peace. You need to BOOK the protest in advance.

Caller: Oh yes, of course.

PAS: In that case I’ll have to send you to the booking department.

Automated voice: Please hold.
*Rule Britannia plays*

Automated voice: Please hold.

Automated voice: Hello. You have reached the PROTEST AUTHORISATION SERVICES BOOKING and CHECKING SERVICE. Press 1 if you are you wish to report an illegal protest in process, Press 2 if you have information about the whereabouts leaders of potential unauthorised factions, Press 3 if you would like to book a legal protest.

*dial tone for 3*

Caller: Ugh.

*Rule Britannia plays*
Automated voice: Please hold.

PAS: Hello, this is the PAS department, how may I help you?

Caller: Wait, aren’t you the same voice as before?

PAS: What would make you think that?

Caller: You sounds exactly the same.

PAS: Ridiculous. This is the PAS Booking department. Anyway, you were saying you would like to book a legal protest?

Caller: I did press 3 yes.

PAS: Are you sure you didn’t mean to press 1 or 2? We get that a lot.

Caller: No, I purposely pressed 3 to book a protest.

PAS: Are you sure?

Caller: Yes, very sure.

PAS: And on what subject would you like to protest?

Caller: Human Rights.

PAS: And more than one persons?

Caller: Of course more than one person! I’m not going to protest by myself!

PAS: Just checking. Right. So we’ve got a legal protest about the subjects of human rights. I’ll just pass you down the line to authorise this.

*Rule Britannia plays*

Automated voice: You have chose to book a LEGAL PROTEST on the SUBJECT OF…HU...MAN…RIGHTS. Is this correct?

Caller: Yes.

Automated Voice: Press 1 for no, 2 for cancel, or 3 for yes.
*tone of 3*

Caller: Ugh.

PAS: This is the PAS department, how may I help you?

Caller: I would like to continue my application for a legal protest on the subject of human rights we were just talking about.

PAS: You must be mistaking me for someone else, what month in the year sir?

Caller: September.

PAS: And, what day do you prefer?

Caller: Monday

PAS: And, how many hours?

Caller: I don’t know, about 4-6 hours.

PAS: Okay, I’m just looking for at bookings now…

*Rule Britannia music plays*

PAS: Location sir?

Caller: Outside houses of P…

PAS: Would you like to book an indoor venue or an outdoor venue?

Caller: An outdoor venue of course! Preferably. The Houses of P…

PAS: Residential, roadside or countryside?

Caller: How on earth would protesting in the countryside even…

PAS: Okay, so…countryside.

Caller: No. Not the countryside!!! Residential!

PAS: Calm down Sir! Just looking up details now…

*rule britania plays*

PAS: Park, town centre or car park?

Caller: Ugh, Town centre, I suppose.

PAS: And what time? Morning, afternoon or Evening?

Caller: Around dinnertime? I don’t know.

PAS: Due to choosing 12am-2pm, Do you agree to the non usage of loudspeakers or any voice projection devices?

Caller: I…don’t…

PAS: You see, we’re trying not to cause any noise pollution for the CEOs, council workers or MPs at break-times.

Caller: Can I shout?

PAS: Only quietly. Will you be holding signs?

Caller: Yes, because I apparently, cannot shout.

PAS: And you agree to all signs being spellchecked and edited before entering the venue?

Caller: No, I do NOT!

PAS: Would you like to submit your slogans for checking and censor clearing now instead? I have a pen and paper and we can maybe change some of the 'sensitive' subtext speeding up the censoring process.

Caller: I would not!

PAS: I’m sorry, you are being terribly hard to work with, I’ll have to pass you down the line.

*Rule Britannia plays*
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have chose to book a LEGAL PROTEST on the SUBJECT OF…HU...MAN…RIGHTS. Is this correct?

Caller: Argh! Yes!

PAS: This is the PAS department, how may I help you? Do you have a case number?

Caller: No .You never gave me one before you put me on hold!

PAS: You must be mistaking me for someone else, you need a case number to continue with your legal protest application. May I have your name and address?

*Caller angrily hangs up*

About the gentleman behind Inappropriate Banjo

Martyn A Eker was born in the Channel Islands, in Guernsey which resembled that last triangular corner bit of toast you couldn't eat in the morning. After a decade of development and decadence, he subsequently moved to this little known place called 'England' within 'Britain', which is a lot more difficult to describe in shape let alone draw from memory. But apparently a lot of famous historical people had come from there, like Shakespeare, Doctor Who and James Bond.

From here, Martyn A Eker decided to continue his manic doodling from school and enrolled in college to study a 'National Diploma in graphic and Design' for some obscure reason, it was here that Martyn A Eker decided to look into the crazy idea of becoming an animator, due to his lifelong ambition to become a cartoonist.

Not satisfied with his current art skills, Martyn A Eker studied a further course, 'Foundation Art and Design' where he discovered how much he hates artists that don't have a reason, metaphor or purpose for their works to be made.

From here, Martyn A Eker moved to North Wales and studied at university in the specialism of 'BA Hons Design Animation' (which had nothing to do with piloting planes) at Glyndwr University, which had some kind of identity crisis seeing it was originally called NEWI which really didn't stand for 'Nothing Ever Works Institute', despite the toilet graffiti.
It was here over the years that Martyn A Eker discovered how to make images move like a magician, a long way from the original nervous twitching, scale changing characters which would look better put out of their misery.

Once completing this course Martyn A Eker was given a offer he simply couldn't refuse, which about a year later he did. Turning his nose up at an uncompleted 'MA in Animation', Martyn A Eker tried to sit down and figure out who he was once and for all; and then he realised, he was a nutter that illustrated and scripted funny things and was truly happy when he would giggle reading his own works afterwards and obsessively wrote things about himself in the third person.

It was at this specific time, that he continued his lifelong quest of becoming a cartoonist once again and a damn good one, at that.