Escape from Wrexham

"Hey man, its me, Hair Russel. Or Freker 'Snake' Pissedkin. Christ! agggh!
I've got to 'Escape from Wrexham' today using the form of post apocalyptic metal boxes called 'trains'. All this freaking new technology goes over my head, just give me a guys neck to break purely with my eye patch, its far better to understand.
As much as I hate freaking trains its gotta be done. Agh. Just give me something simple to do like rip a crocodiles head off with my bare teeth.
With a hangover in my head that could blow my head up over the next 24 hours, I have to pick up and rescue the PS2 and possibly the Xbox and come back again, in one piece.

2007.
North Wales, Wrexham
Freker is walled in a maximum security university campus.
Breaking out is impossible,
Going to Blackpool is insane.

I've gotta go to this godforsaken place; Blackpool, a converted town that now holds all the nation of Britain's criminals, ASBOs and scum of the Earth. I'll just simply tear their pubes off and wear them as a toupee.
Rescuing the PS2 and Xbox from the gangs of Fleetwood should be pretty damned easy, agh. As long as I take my trusty pistol with me and take out the 'Codhead' gang and the 'Chavs' and avoid the damn freaking Wii devices. Those freaking cig adverts freak me out too. I'm not 'hooked', I just find it slightly more relaxing to have one whilst smashing a guys kneecaps in and watch him cry."

Everybody needs good...goths

Ha! Heres something funny I've just noticed, that the short and horizontally challenged depressed girl Bree, from Neighbours has had it. Shes become a GOTH!

"In desperate need of a new identity, Bree has begun experimenting. After a brief flirtation with the Paris Hilton look, she has realised that there is really only one way forward for all disaffected and disillusioned young adolescents. Brianna Timmins is now a Goth."

This, to...

OH, MY, GOD.

Yes, thats right, Bree from Neighbours has become a Goth, you may know this, but I have no idea and haven't seen Neighbours for about a year.
This is incredibly shocking as she looks like:

• A Rocky Horror (Picture) Show reject
• Some girl like from a Tim Burton film 'Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, beetlejuice'
• A possible SG (You know what I'm on about, guys)
  
• Matt Lucas
• A drag artist with a cheeky grin
• She just woke up during a postmortem
  
• Emo
• The cheese she named herself after
• Nina Cortex from 'Crash Twinsanity'
• A female weighty drummer
• She would bite your tongue off for laughs
• A lesbian
• A Bisexual
• A scary porcelain doll
• Scary alternate version of the lead singer from Evanescence
• She goes to the 'Tashe
  
• She Never washes
• She Got attacked by a black inkwell
• She Discovered oil
• She has a husky voice, like a man
• Doctor Girlfriend from Venture Brothers
• A mime
• She's colour blind
• She sneezed next to a tub of talcum powder
• She chewed the end of black biros
• She likes licorice
  
• Bertie Bassett
• Marylin Manson as a boy
  
• The girl on the video in The Ring
• The Martians human disguise in Mars Attacks!
• She belongs in a dysfunctional family sitcom
  
• Micheal Jackson

Personally; I would of liked to snigger at the 'Paris Hilton' look too.

The Thing

How would you get a child to do something it doesn't want to?
OF COURSE! Stereotypically categorize them believing its BAD for them!

May I present...(through being sent a link via a friend on Messenger...)gellibaff!

CLICK LINK BEFORE CONTINUING!

Seriously, go look at that site. Thats right, a safe mixture to put in a bath, to make it into goo!
Wow. Thats a sure exciting development in the science and biology research industry, I'm sure theres a lot of other things to be researched and developed in this world.

I mean, if the consistency is right, you should be able to make your own remake of the scene where Neo wakes up from The Matrix! AWESOME!

*Presentation suggestion

Yes, Matrix comparisons are relevant to this article...(again)

MySpace is watching you

Hey ho, there we are all making friends with a guy called 'Tom Anderson'. Well, no, not making friends, its more like 'forced to', why are we forced to have 'Tom' as a friend, grinning like a git?
Because people, I believe he is not real, and 'Tom' on MySpace is more or less a system of control. Like Big Brother, (no, not the TV show that embarrases C list celebrities or gormless camp or screaming members of the public...) 1984's Big Brother, of which the TV shows title is based on. Hell, you might as well have him as your first friend.

Big Brother wants to be your friend

'Tom' full name happens to be 'Tom Anderson'. Hes always there as the little chap looking like he's masturbating at his desk in the corner with some kind of scientific formula on a white board to make a working time machine like Victorians once tried at the background. When you first sign up onto Myspace. That grinning git, eh? So he owned (Rupert Murdoch has it now) Myspace, yeah? He started it?


Blimey, isn't that a coincidence that Tom Anderson is a geek on computers much like, 'Thomas A Anderson' from 'The Matrix'? If you have a look at Wikipedia's article and on 'Tom Anderson' you'll find some interesting theories. Some think 'Tom' is a piece of PR, much like Barry Scott for Cilit Bang.

"Mr...Anderson!"

Ahh, don't you just wish that some day...somehow... somebody will set us free from the artificial socializing utility that is MySpace, maybe one day, One will come to set us free.

"You have 1 new friend, Tom"

Not doing the title of the blog

Yep, thats right!
No procrastinating for me today!
I can't explain what I've been doing, but it involves a printer!

No, I haven't been doing, that.

I've been testing and printing with my brand new Lexmark printer, which talks to me, a bit like KITT...

Unfortunately, the printer doesn't surpass the ability to say (In a very monotonous loud electronic voice) ;

"Printing started..." shortly followed by the predictable, "Printing Complete."
and the seminal,"...Please insert paper into holder."

Admittedly the first time the printer 'spoke' it made me bloody jump. I hit my knee against my rather cramped desk and looked at the printers power button which was red and winking;
"...Please insert paper into holder."
The above actions of the printer may of possibly been built in for people with printer fetishes, with dominant sounding masculine 1930's broadcasters. But didn't really suit me, just made me jump.
Although it might be considered 'cool' every time you print for the printer to 'speak' out loud what its doing, the 'virrrs' and 'clunks' also explain to me its printing also, another way to tell is when your paper starts vanishing into the mouth of the beast. Its not like its going into another dimension or something.
"Ha. Ha. I will send your hard worked essay into another dimension..."
No, the printer does not say that, nor does it make me a cup of tea.
However it does scan, copy, fax and (duhh) print, so its all good, I suppose.

Phileas Fogg's Evil Crisps.

So, three days again I went to purchase some 'goods'.
So I bought some cheap crisps for lunch, mmm, Phileas Fogg tortillas, that'll be nice, ooh, Peppercorn and Cheese flavoured, eh?
(Unfortunately, at this moment I hadn't discovered what Peppercorn and Cheese even tastes like.) To my horror! Shock! One of these could kill! VERY VERY HOT! (For a damn crisp, anyway.)

Just look at them. Tempting, Tantalizing and pure EVIL in a packet.
If tastes could kill. I'm not saying these are awful to eat. They're actually, really, really nice. However, you do need a drink after eating at least THREE of the damned things.
Of course, this makes you go to the toilet an awful lot, which isn't too great.
So, there the tortillas remain, to be eaten another day. Spoiled, but not defeated.

Vernon Kay /Anime: Revisited

See THIS ARTICLE to understand.

Back to Youtube (Cotton Eye Joe)

aah, just when you think that one of TVs golden moments are never going to be shown before...

Maneater...sung by an old bloke

This is Man Eater, Nellie Furtado's song that surprised us all last summer.
Its doing that trick again; Only this time, with Jim from Eastenders.



And if I can find it, I'll also try to get Bob from Emmerdale singing Firestarter...

Kill ...Something

I drew the original B+W on the train to Wrexham today, little did I know that Kill Bill was actually on TV (BBC2) at night. So I stuck it in Photoshop during the film, finished just in time for the slashing at the club. What a coincidence, enjoy!

The Long and Wrexham road

Torchwood: Frekerized

(The Torchwood staff walk into the entrance of the Hub. They all crowd around the meeting table on the first floor, realizing that they let a pizza go cold. They all stare at it until Gwen speaks up.)

Gwen: Oor nor! Jack! Theres a cowld pizza here!
(Gwen points at cold pizza on table)
Jack: Hot damn! there is, Gwen!
(Jack points at table enthusiastically for no real apparent reason)
Ianto: I'll just go and reheat it.
(Ianto walks out of Meeting Room to and falls down the stairs on a loose tube of 'lube)
Toshiko: We have no oven. Nor microwave.
(Owen steals pizza from Toshiko's hands)
Owen: Ahh, you idiots! We can just cook it in the fucking rift inducer!
(Owen inserts pizza in rift-inducer)
Jack: Thats not a good idea. That is NOT a good idea...I tell you, Owen!!!! thats not a...
(Jack points at Owen angrily as if Jack is the law, and thats that.)

(Owen inserts the cold pizza into the rift inducer, the Hub starts shaking and trembling.)
Gwen: Oh-wen! (Gwen gasps) What have you dorn?

The team all blackout.

(Torchwood intro plays)

Team is woken by a old cleaner mopping up.

Jack: Where the hell are we?
Cleaner: Well, young, mysterious, stereotypically, yank-man, you're in 'the shop'.
Jack: 'The shop'?
Cleaner: The only place on Earth to buy things of course!
Gwen: Whaay-t, are you trying to sahy that this is the own-lee place that we can buy things?
Cleaner: Everything! From washing up liquid, socks, cars and even Weapons of mass destruction however, we don't sell ties.
(Ianto straightens up and falls on his knees, puts face in his hands and begins to scream)
Ianto: Nooooooooo!!! This isn't Earth! This isn't the Earth I know!!
Jack: It can't be...no, it can't...
Toshiko: Its a universe where you buy everything in a catalogue store like 'Argos'!
Owen: Grr...Aw, shit.
Gwen: Its oh-kay, its orh-kay, I've got experience, I had to pick up a beer mini-fridge for Rheey-ss his birthday like this once.
Jack: Is there nothing this girl can't do? Woo! You AMAZE me, Gwen!
(Jack dances, spinning around and points his finger at Gwen whilst grinning with his pearl white teeth)
Gwen: Ye-ahs, turn a gay man straight, it seems...
Ianto: B-b-buy something! Give it a try!
Owen: Yeah! buy some porn or a double ended dildo for those two lovers here!
(Owen points at Ianto and Jack.)
Toshiko: Buy Scientific Weekly! See if the common cold has been cured!
Owen: Porn!
Toshiko: Scientific Weekly!
Owen: Porn! Fucking porn!
Toshiko: Scientific Weekly!...
(Jack opens arms out wide and shouts)
Jack: FOR GADS SAKE! PEOPLE! Gwen, just buy the damn Karma Sutra, then everyones happy!
Ianto: Theres many things that you can do with a copy of the Karma Sutra...
Gwen: Lyyy-ke wot?
Owen: Read it and tug off in the shitter...(Owen grins evilly),of course.(Continues grinning like a twat)

(Credits)

Next Episode: Gwen reads the pages of a catelogue when a picture of 'George Foreman's Mean Green Grilling Machine' comes to life and attempts to threaten Gwens life and cook Owens gonads...Ianto falls into a unescapable ball pit in the childrens area, and Toshiko falls in love with a lifesize model of Anne Robinson whilst Jack enters as a contestant on 'Super Market Sweep' to try to snog Dale Winton when he's not paying attention.

Sorry.

This is too good not to embed a video, the man is a genius. Visit his site when you can.
*In other news; Anyone can comment now.

Don'tcha want a girl-friend like...Ah-lex Mack?

Wow, awesome. Does anybody remember the show 'Secret World of Alex Mack'? Man, that show was awesome; a tom-boy'ish girl being able to turn into liquid and creep under doors, use telekinesis and shoot electric, that was some lucky girl...thinking about it, with abilities like that as she grew up, there must of been a lucky guy...thinking about it again, wouldn't her ideal man be Odo from Deep Space 9? Bit of an age difference, but I'm sure he could of morphed into a younger version of himself.
Although, looking at the actor of Alex now...
Man, wouldn't it be great to be her boyfriend now at her estimated current age?
Wow, to have a experimental chemical poured over you like that must scar you for life. Also, you could have really kinky fetishes when you grow up, and very confused boyfriends (with the Tomboy attitude too), the mind boggles.
In fact, they should write a character just like Alex Mack for the next series of Torchwood.
!Remember every time she liquidized, her clothes fell off...!
You just KNOW its got potential.

You hear me Russell Teeeeeeeeeeee?...Chris Chibnaaaaaaaaaaall?!

Deal or No Deal...(coffee break version)

Deal or No Deal, ahh, where Noel talks to the contestants the people in the 'wings, the Banker and everyone in the audience between choosing a box, just look what happens to the format of the show when you remove the interaction...

The Adventures of Tin'Ed

Wouldn't find that on Channel 4 or Sky One.

Yes...I am INVINCIBLE...

In the great words of the late, great Lord Chesney Hawks...
!Find the secret message!

I am the one and only,
Oh yeah!
Call me, call me by my name or call me by my number,
You put me through it,
I'll still be doing it the way I do it,
And yet, you try to make me forget,
Who I really am, don't tell me, I know best,
I'm not the same as all the rest,

Chorus:

I am the one and only,
Nobody I'd rather be,
I am the one and only,
You can't take that away from me

I've been a player in the crowd scene,
A flicker on the big screen,
My soul embraces, one more in a million faces,
High hopes and aspirations, ideas above my station
maybe but all this time I've tried to walk with dignity and pride

Chorus

I can't wear this uniform without some compromises,
Because you'll find out that we come,
In different shapes and sizes,
No one can be myself like I can,
For this job I'm the best man,
And while this may be true, you are the one and only you!

Chorus - repeat to fade out

Random Alpha Des-A-Thon

Here we go...

'Remember, hide your children, Goodnight and I will eat your souls.'



'Mmph'l, mrrph, Some cricket, oh, a streaker, nice baps, Manchester United, thrmh, heh.'


'I am the god of hell fire, and I bring you...'

Alpha Des gets scanned, shield recharged and re-calibration after being woken up from cryo in outer space

Alpha Des thinks he his Zaphoid Beeblebrox, President of the Universe

Alpha Des and the general of his evil robot army from Xeyrieus III

Alpha Des is a evil plant; here many farmers on their day off attempt to destroy his very core and pollen

Alpha Des was previously a pirate in the 1700's until he grew a moustache that allowed him to break into the time space continium

Final proof that Alpha Des is not from Earth

Countdown of 2007

I slept in today, until 4 O'clock in the AFTERNOON. Yes, people, that means I missed the new Countdown.
Yes, I watch Countdown, or used to. As I hated Des Lynam as a presenter. He was no replacement for the unfrogettable...uh, what was his name? ah yes...Richard Whitely.

Here is a poem

Richard Whitley died
Lack of humorous ties
His laughter was full of titter,
whilst Des L had little'r
I liked Rich the most
and even body, dead,
Fixated, locked up head
He would be a better host.

But now Des O'Connor is hosting it, instead of Alpha Des.

But wait, lets remember the good times with Alpha Des now we have Beta O'Connor.

Carol: ''What do you think Des?'
Alpha Des:''Well, Carol. fmmmph'l, mphhhmph, hugghmph, heh.''

Des Lynams 'Family/Intellectual TV entertainment' career
2005-2007

Goodbye Alpha Des, may you delight us with your future escapades trying to communicate to people whilst embarrassing yourself on a crap reality TV show for our personal entertainment.
We salute you.

Vernon Kay, Anime.

Yes. Here it is. Something really, really odd.
First post of 2007...
Hows this.
Watching the intro of 2006 celebrity edition of Family Fortunes (UK)
I discovered something shocking, I also couldn't stop laughing at the intro.

Is Vernon Kay trying to portray himself as a cute, sexy, little space demon, anime character, doing a little dance in the 70's?
Yeah, this sounds very odd.
But anyway. Heres a quick comparison.

Vernon Kay: Family Fortunes 2006
LINK

Sorry, only a link, no embedding was allowed

Anime: Urusei Yatsura (Late 70's Japan)


Spot the difference:


Vernon Kay...


...Anime

What do you think?